I check the “#買ってよかったもの” tag on note.com every day, searching for anything attractive or justifiable purchases. Still, I haven’t found anything yet. Because of that, I can’t figure out a way to use my 53 million yen points, which I’ve accumulated from various colleagues over the past four years or so.

Tools are just tools, and stuff is just stuff. They can be helpful for our purposes or for the things we want to do. But the important point here is what we’ve done and what we want to do, because our behaviors and actions shape our lives.

I’m currently just spending my life working, looking after my family, reading books, and playing games. However, I think the way I feel about it can change. It’s about whether I’m just spending my life, or truly enjoying it by doing those things.

The weekdays were a bit hectic with multiple events and escalations.

I’m delighted with the compensation and work environment.
But still, I can feel stress, surely.

The things are very, very complex.
No one knows if I stop working, then I can be happy or not.
There are various angles and perspectives, including financial, rewarding, life, self-development, and time usage, among others.

So there’s no magic decision that can solve everything in my life.
I can understand it as I’m maturing.
But that understanding itself doesn’t solve anything naturally.

So this is fate for humans and for me at least.

Monday is the biggest challenge of every week.
I’m always forced to consider and imagine if I can get through Monday.
My work makes me feel like that.

Every time I can get through and survive, even with tough tasks and jobs.
So I don’t need to worry about myself and my work.
But in reality, I feel some stress.

Fortunately, I was able to maintain good mental and physical health.
I hope that will remain the same.

But I wish I could graduate from the labor I’m working on.
If I can earn the same amount of money with an easy and less stressful job, that’s also welcome.

My elder daughter did a theft from my and my wife’s wallet.
The sum is nearly 30k yen, and it’s not a small money.

She did it in Wendnesday and I felt something odd in Friday, and my wife also found strangeness in her purse today.
Then we tried to find the money, and we found it in the desk of my daughter.

It’s quite a sensitive issue.
Any crime is serious and will have a significant impact on the trust and credibility.
I tried to let her understand by explaining it.

I think just shouting and yelling at her is not making sense.
She is 11 years old and she needs to understand deeply from her heart.

I really want to be a kind and supportive father to her.
It will/should be a baseline for her life.

Since I faced the fact that my last day is gradually coming closer, I further consider I shouldn’t practice restraint too much.
Curbing my desire deeply will not make much sense, as I can’t live forever.
And I can’t take my assets/money with me when I die.

I have points given by my company’s thanks system, and it’s equal to about 500k yen.
I decided to use this freely.

But even with that, I didn’t buy anything.
I wanted a MacBook Air, but even with all these conditions, it didn’t make me buy it.

It seems my desire is too weak to live happily.

I took 8 days off as Golden Week, but the private tutoring school only has 3 days off for my older daughter.
This time we went back to my hometown and stayed 2 nights.

I came to know that my maternal grandmother had some sickness on her heart condition in the past.
Her sister was the same as well.

Now it makes more sense why sometimes I feel strong pain in the center of my chest.
It’s a genetic issue.

One assuring fact is that all of those people live until their 90s.
It shouldn’t be the reason for the fatal situation for me at an early stage of my life.

At least, I want to live until I am 60.

Exchanged emails with my past colleagues in the US and Australia.
It was good to say hi to people I’m close to.

The challenge is that it’s an email, and we can’t know the facial expression and exact mood.
It’s hard to be sure how the recipients accepted the email.
This is a common challenge even when communicating in one’s native language, especially between boys and girls.

If I had more time, I could spend more time on those email exchanges.
But even as the initiator, it’s difficult for me to spend more time.

One of my colleagues suggested a book in English.
“I tried reading it, but stumbled at the first hurdle within the first few lines because I didn’t understand the meaning of ‘go the whole hog’.
There are a lot of words and idioms whose meaning I don’t know.

But anyway, if you don’t try it, you will not be able to do it easily in future.

I ordered a new washing machine.
I originally thought to make use of Rakuten points, which reached about 50000 points.

It’s not cheap at all, and the cost is 200k+ yen.
Usable cache is reducing recently due to the Trump shock, but I still believe it’s affordable.

In addition to that, soon 1.2M yen will be withdrawn from my account due to the income tax return.
It should be good, as those taxes will grow based on the amount of income.
But it’s a bit hard to sell the stocks due to the recent economic turmoil.

Anyway, this is the first front-loading washing machine and I hope it will be much convenient for my wife.
It has a dryer incorporated and should expedite the whole process of washing.

Probably the next big purchase is a new refrigerator.
It should also be convenient for my family.

Played a game after some time.
It’s The Last of Us Part 2.

Playing a game is time-consuming.
It took 20+ hours to complete, and I can finish reading 5 books with the time.

Still, I think it’s worth playing.
The story is downer and somber, but such deep dark can clearly highlight some good stuff.
The darker the night, the brighter the stars.

It was not a happy ending, but it surely brought me some hope.

I’m not perfect, and I’m just the same human being as others on the globe.
I realize that I wouldn’t be happy when I’m recognized, honored, and praised.
It’s more like feeling relief instantly and it will not last long.

On the other hand, when I see someone being recognized, honored, and praised, I usually don’t feel like celebrating
It will make me feel some sort of small turmoil and anxiety.

If this is the other way around, I will be a more happy person.
But with these traits, I’ll never be happy.

Happiness and life are complicated topics.
I don’t like any experience with fear or pain, so ending my life will not be an option.
But still, I feel like I’ve done more of the things I needed to do in life. Kind of enough.